Sunday, 30 November 2014

Namibia: Rambler - Shitty of Windhoek

Namibia: Rambler - Shitty of Windhoek, Zero F*cks Given

If you multiply all the sand grains in Namibia by the number of people with valid Namibian ID documents, add the amount of dollars BEE 'businessmen' leeched from government this year as well as the kickbacks paid to PSes and government officials and multiply that by zero you will find exactly how many f*cks your beloved government gives about your broke, landless, homeless, over-taxed arse.

OK, I'll wait for you while you get the damn calculator.

That's right. Zero. Nil. Fokol! Not one.

Did you recently get a Christmas house? Were you the fortunate recipient of an erf not so long ago? Maybe you are just a regular Joe wanting to buy your first house for your young family. Want a reasonably priced erf to build a starter pack house on? Regular Joe, you say? No political connections? Oh, perhaps struggle kid who kept his job? Did you say young professional with two degrees and a stable job?

Follow these instructions:

Take an A4 size paper. Fold it in half. Fold it in half again. Now tear a rough triangle out of the corner that makes the middle of the page. Now open the page.

That's exactly how much free or discounted shit you're getting from the Shitty of Windhoek, you fool!

I'm sorry, poor you. How can you be the same age as Mee Agnes Kafula's son (26) and not have a N$5 million plot? Where has your education gone wrong?

Did you win a few million dollars in a reality TV show? No, you didn't! So why the hell do you want free things? Do you think you're special?

Are you perhaps a well paid minister who can unfortunately not manage her own meagre finances and needed a violently reduced piece of land from the Shitty of Windhoek in a posh area?

We only give free and heavily discounted shit to our comrades, our own children and those who smile nicely to us.

You want a piece of land in Windhoek and you don't even have a foreign passport. You like jokes, ne!

I'm sorry, where were you when we fought for this country? And no, you will not erect a shack in this Shitty, my friend.

Just a friendly reminder of what her worship so eloquently asserted in February about the removal of shacks:

"Just because it is the year for elections, the law does not say demolitions should not be done and that illegal shacks should not be removed." She said shacks will be demolished "within the national legal framework".

No, no, no! Please don't come with that pseudo-revolutionary armchair keyboard activist excrement.

The Squatters Proclamation of 1985 might well be an Apartheid era law but we will use everything available to us to curb the spread of unsightly shacks littering our green spaces on the outskirts of our lovely city. These plebs must be stopped. No, it's not local elections yet. We will appease them when those come around. Voting cattle must sit down and vote for our party and presidential candidate. They should know by now what they are there for.

And no, we are not acting with impunity. We have the mandate.

I've seen many people asking on social media this week if we at the Shitty have a plan for our biggest challenges. They talk about sharing our master plan on urbanisation. Some also enquired under which officer's ample ass our affordable housing plan resides. One rudely asked who they needed to screw to see our land distribution plan.

Didn't you know that f*cking these mindless rate payers over and bleeding them dry is a strategy? We all studied strategic management at IUM. Didn't you know?

And I don't think we can, at this juncture, afford to make more land available. You know, basic economics tells us that the scarcer a commodity is the more people will pay for it, so... You idiots will just have to wait for the next auction. How do you slaughter your only milk cow? How do you think we can afford these nice salaries and perks for councillors and staff at the Shitty?

If you show the same tendencies that Manchester United fans showed under David Moyes and are rooting for your own team's demise, I'm afraid you'll wait a long time. There's no way Namibians will start to think for themselves. They're simply not capable.

Let me just remind you of our shining Shitty's vision: To enhance the quality of life of all our people.

Now go out and vote for the good people you've always voted for.